Flashback to forty-nine

A month before my fiftieth birthday, I was at the lowest point in my life.  I was exhausted.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me and I was profoundly unhappy.  Was it depression?  A mid-life crisis?  Menopause?  The triple whammy of all three?  I was not quiet about my misery so my secretary recommended an anti-depressant.  She said she knew people who had been taking one for a while, and even though their problems still existed, they no longer cared. A co-worker recommended an affair.  She thought that every middle-aged lady should have one.  It either added zip to your life or you figured out that your husband wasn’t so bad after all.  One friend suggested divorce but I really didn’t think I could stand to hear my father say “I told you so”. At the root of my unhappiness was loneliness. My husband was never home, and I spent all of my time taking kids here, there, and everywhere.  I felt like I was invisible.  Drudgery ruled my life and I had nothing to look forward to. “Gloom, despair, and agony on me….” oh, wait! That’s from Hee Haw, but I could seriously relate.

I hated my job because it was so stinking boring.   It was close your eyes and fall asleep boring.  It was yawn until your face cracks boring.  It was “Oh, God?  Do I really have to get up and go today?” boring.  I was sure that I would be brain dead by the time I retired. Some of you may be able to sympathize with me here.  I don’t know much,but I’m pretty sure I’m not alone on this one.  My options were limited.  Quitting my job outright was not a choice since I’m particularly fond of eating.  My job also provided all of our family medical benefits. Finding a rich man willing to share his fortune with a 49-year-old mother of four, and her husband, didn’t seem to be an option. I desperately needed a career change but I only had a few years till I could retire at the age of 55.  If I started over somewhere else, I would see that retirement date stretching out till I was 65, or older. I kept thinking.  College?  Nope! I already had a Master’s Degree.  I didn’t want to go back to school.  That would just play into the work till I die thing anyway.  I bought lottery tickets sporadically, but with my chaotic life, I’d rarely remember to check the numbers.  I figured that if an unclaimed winning number was purchased in my town, I would find the time to check.

In the middle of one of those days where I wondered if I’d make it till quitting time without offending my boss and most of the people I worked with, I decided I needed a change.  I needed to have something to look forward to, something to focus on instead of paying the bills, cleaning bathrooms, and doing laundry.  I needed time for me.  I needed Mrs. Average Woman to break out of her average little world, if only for a short amount of time. I was going to start living beyond my boring, predictable life.  My fiftieth birthday was a couple of weeks away and I knew just what I was going to do to celebrate. Believe me when I say that it was going to be way more than a few steps beyond my normal.

Rally I was invisible, just another middle-aged woman in the crowd.

8 thoughts on “Flashback to forty-nine

  1. Carole McPherson

    Eagerly waiting for your solution…..maybe I might like to try it too.
    Like my life, but a few things I could do without….just need to put
    My creativity to work here.

    Liked by 1 person

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